But Lord, that's not what I had pictured...

Summer is almost over, well at least summer vacation. We start school in less than two weeks and quite honestly I am procrastinating. I should be finalizing lesson plans. Honestly, I am like half-way but finalizing counts for 49% and below, right...But I have to admit I am a little distracted.

This summer my BFF, aka my Mom and I have been going through Priscilla Shirer's Bible Study, Gideon. Week 4, Day 2 had us looking at Gideon's gift, the meal he gave to the Angel of the Lord. In the study she points out the four steps Gideon takes, and we all should take, when giving something to the Lord. The four steps are: 1. Prepare it. 2. Present it. 3. Put it down. 4. Pour it out. 
Priscilla goes on to emphasize the amount of time Gideon would have taken to prepare a meal (fresh goat!!!) only to have the Angel of the Lord tell him to pour it out on a rock. All that hard work and it wasn't even it eaten! True, through the beauty of hindsight we can see that God accepted the gift, just not the way Gideon expect.

So, the idea of investing time and energy into a gift presented to God only to have it used in a way that is not what I would have pictured, let alone chosen, has been ruminating in my mind all week. See, I have been struggling with the idea of the children of believers having a hard time. As Christians we invest so much into our kids and with all the information that is available through the medical community we take every precaution to insure our kiddos will be incredible men or women for God. We dedicate to the Lord, we take them to church have so other saints can invest in and encourage them. We read them Bible stories every night and teach them to pray.  We give these precious bundles to the Lord, knowing that they were His in the first place. And then we start to see the struggles in their path. The frustration of not being understood because of a speech impediment. The look of defeat when  their little legs that won't carry them as far or as fast as other little kids. When tripping and falling on the sidewalk becomes such a common occurrence they no longer cry. And my heartache is nothing like some parents. And you like me, might you find yourself saying "But Lord that's not how I dreamed of You using my child, my gift to You."

Part of me wonders if I did something wrong...I am like the religious leaders in John, wondering who sinned, me or my hubby. Could I have done something differently...tried harder, eaten differently, exercised more... And then I hear God's calming voice, that this is did not surprise Him, this is not a punishment, and He will use it for His glory. I am coming to the realization that sometimes He uses what we give in a way that is unexpected but is more beautiful than we can ever imagine.

People talk about how God is creating a tapestry and how each of us are part of  a larger story, a bigger picture. I love this analogy. Crocheting is currently my stress-reliever and while I don't make tapestries, I do make shawls and blankets. A simple stitch makes a functional blanket, but it is not overly beautiful. The more complicated the pattern, the more that is required from the yarn. In fact,

lacy patterns require the yarn to be dampened and stretched, forcing the fibers to become something new. I want my kiddos to be part of the beautiful story that God is creating, but in order to do that I need to invest time to prepare them, lead them to Lord, let go and watch what the Lord does.

Lord, give me the strength as You work in the lives of these precious gifts I have given back to You.

And the Angel of the God said to him,"Take the meat and the unleavened bread and lay them on the rock, and pour out the broth." And he did so. Then the Angel of the Lord put out the end of the staff taht was in His hand, and touched the meat and the unleavened bread; and fire rose out of the rock and consumed the meat and the unleavened bread...

 Judges 6:20-21

My Three Year Old Uses Fluoridated Toothpaste

My three year old uses toothpaste with fluoride in it. I can almost hear the collective gasp of the Internet. And I am sure someone will tell me when he is older and struggles with dangling participles and passive voice, J's struggles are because I used fluoridated toothpaste. (And not the fact the English language is just plain evil.)

 I don't know about you, but I find myself doubting my parenting skills more with boy #3 than I ever did with boy #1. The weight of the mommy guilt has become incredible! J has some funky front teeth that have been impossible to keep healthy without fluoride and have you seen what the Internet has to say about fluoride???  And Facebook advertisements have not been helpful. It seems daily some new article on "how you immunized child will have a slew of health problems and a horrible life" keeps finding it's way into my feed. The current major outcomes of immunizations are ear infections and tonsillitis. Dandy! The fact that J has had three bouts of tonsillitis this year is now my fault. I have RUINED my son's life (add appropriate dramatics).

We all experience mommy guilt at some point and time (unless you are just super mom).  It has been an ongoing journey for me and here are some of the things I have learned.

1) Combat mommy guilt with the Truth. Mommy guilt is usually propagated by a false assumption. Take J's tonsil issue. According to the articles, he has tonsillitis because he received immunizations. The thing is, if I was being rational, I would realize that his issue is genetics not an
over or under performing immune system. My older two have had the same immunizations if not more than J but never had a case of tonsillitis. They did, however, have ear tubes placed at a very young age, before most of their immunizations because... guess what I have horrid ears. As did my mom... The fact is my family regularly pays for our ENT's vacation. We just have lousy ears, sinuses, exc.

 Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

2) Fight back and let it GO. Take a hold of your mommy guilt and recognize it for what it is, an attack to paralyze you with worry and fear. If I worry about how every decision I ever made, might effect my kiddos, I will dwell in the past and miss the present. Not to mention get zero sleep!

 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

We are commanded to "cast down imaginations", and that is what mommy guilt is. We think we know what might have effected our child or that pivotal moment our child's destiny changed. Do not live in the past, you cannot know, you are not God. So, let it GO.

3) Put the mouse down! I actually have had to stop researching things on the Internet and I make sure to not click on the articles that pop up in my feed. These articles are not edifying and do not help. Researching so you make the best informed decision is great but when you start feeling the weight of guilt mounting, hit the X and get out!  Also, realize that the Internet has an agenda. No matter how noble they say they are, they have an agenda, make sure it is one you agree with.

I also wanted to mention while we are here, think about it before you post an article to your feed. I know it is a free country but let's practice a little kindness and sensitivity. Sharing an article that says that high fructose corn syrup causes infertility (I totally made this fact up, though I am sure there is an article that says this somewhere on the Internet!) when you have friends who are struggling to conceive is at the very least unkind. If you want an article for your own reference, just change the privacy settings. Don't be the one who heaps guilt on another mom.

4) Forgive yourself. Between J's teeth and his hips, there is a good chance the decisions, I (we) made before his birth, effected him. Can we say for sure, no... but three CT scans in 24 hours and a bunch of heart meds sure increase the likelihood. I REALLY struggled with this, to the point I was hyper-aware of J's every slight health issue, and THEY WERE ALL MY FAULT. I had worked through the verses I mentioned before, but it didn't help the fact because it was my fault.

And then a very wise woman (my Mom, if  you haven't guessed) told me to forgive myself. Those were such powerful words. She pointed out to me all the poor mothers who have lived through the advances of science in the last century. Can you imagine the guilt of finding out years later that if you had simply boiled the water, your children would be with you today? Forgive yourself. You did the best your could at the moment with the information and circumstances you had.

• Did you not do delayed cord clamping and now your child has X...forgive yourself
• Did you let your baby watch baby Einstein and now your child has X...forgive yourself
• Were you unable to breastfeed and now your child has X...forgive yourself 
• Did you feed your baby formula and now your child has X... forgive yourself
• Did you have an epidural and now your child has X...forgive yourself
• Did your five year old see Jurassic Park and now won't sleep... forgive your husband
• Did you immunize and now your child has X... forgive yourself
• Did you not immunize and now your child has X...forgive yourself

But realize, with the exception of Jurassic Park, none of these are your FAULT! Sin has broken the world and things happen. Put the mommy guilt down and be a mommy! This journey is incredibly hard, don't carry burdens that are not yours to carry. All you can do is your best. It is a lot easier to do your best when you are thriving in the present versus dwelling in the past.

Also, as fellow moms, let us extend grace and sensitivity to our comrades. Almost all of the time, we do not know the whole circumstance, and casting judgment will not help or be edifying. And yes, "helpful" articles can be perceived as judgment. Be kind...

I hope this helps...I have wanted to write this blog for awhile, and it is an ongoing struggle on this side of the computer screen. I will be praying for you! We got this...maybe... ;)

Mommy Guilt

I have noticed that the combination of decreased sleep and post-baby hormones has made me a rather unusual thinker. Some may argue that I have always had a peculiar point of view, but right now it is a little odder than normal. Perhaps, a better way to phrase it, is I have found myself having a harder time identifying and shaking erroneous ideas. For example: earlier this week I noticed that Noah had some bug bites that had whelped up along his pants waistband. They looked so itchy and I felt bad for the little tyke. Anthony asked me what I was upset about and I said that I was upset with myself for not preventing Noah's mosquito bites. What!? Yes, for some reason I thought I should be able to keep those little black pests away from my toddler.  Give that girl a failing grade in "Bug Prevention 101"!

While the idea that I should have prevented Noah's bug bites seems ludicrous now, it is evidence of a bigger parent struggle, namely "Mommy Guilt". Mommy Guilt is that dangerous path we go down when something bad or particularly hard happens to the little treasures in our care.  It is an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling that we could have prevented a trial our child is experiencing if we had just done "_________" differently.

Mommy Guilt is built off of a lie, a belief that we as parents can control the uncontrollable. People around us try and point out the weakness in our warped logic, but sometimes that is more easily said than done. Or worse people and/or the media feed our guilt, like we needed any help! I remember a mother when I worked in diabetes education who was overwhelmed by Mommy Guilt. Her 8 year old son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and she was sure she could have prevented it. She kept saying that maybe if she had breastfeed him till he was 5 instead weaning at 3, he would not have gotten diabetes. It took quite a bit of talking and prayer for her to be able to overcome and defeat the guilt over an autoimmune disorder that she had no control over.

So, here are a few of my ruminations about Mommy Guilt. (I have been mentally chewing this cud all week!)

First, God is in control and has a plan for our son or daughter.While we know this intellectually, seeing God mold and shape our child can be confusing and painful through our finite vision. So, while having a new baby brother is hard on Noah, God choose this for this time in Noah's life.  I wish I could take credit for this insight, because I found it the most freeing, but they are the words of wisdom from my Mom.

Following onto this idea is the realization that God loves my child more than I do, even though that seems impossible. (How incredibly deep His love must be!) God then took this person He loved and made/choose me to be his parent! If God choose me, why do I doubt His calling?

Next, we live in a fallen world. No matter how hard we try to protect our kids, the fact remains that the world is broken, and has been since the time of Adam and Eve. Our bodies, while a perfect creation, have been damaged by sin.  And the last time I checked, I can't stop the effects of a fallen world.

Lastly, I have to let go and realize that I cannot know everything. I am sure there where many devastated mothers when people found out that typhoid and cholera could be largely prevented by boiling drinking water. Inevitably, a scientific discovery will be made showing us a better way of doing things, or how to prevent some disease. We can only work with what we know. So if Noah has trouble understanding what the hypotenuse of a triangle is ten years from now, it is not because I sprayed the backyard for mosquitoes when he was almost two. (I had this idea float through my head as I debated how to prevent future mosquito bites.) He maybe having trouble because the teacher silently agrees with the sentiment of who really cares what the hypotenuse is, and the blue car will get to point B when ever it gets there! But I digress...

Ultimately, when it comes to Mommy Guilt, I have to let go of the future of my two little boys and trust my loving, Heavenly Father. Anything else is a lie and unhealthy for me and my family.